Thank you Ms. Magazine for your recent piece by Jordan Shapiro, “Fatherhood Identity Is In Urgent Need of a Feminist Revision.” I knew I was in for some good reading with a tag line “patriarchy is a problem for everyone – whether you’re a subjugate or a beneficiary. That’s why today’s fathers need to engage in radical feminist self-intervention.” An interesting historical interpretation of the social construction of genders is given, used to support the notion that our modern made-up gender roles hurt everyone. Before exploring what a feminist dad is, bell hooks’ definition of feminism is provided: “’Simply put, feminism is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression.’ I like how straightforward this statement is—not complicated, scary or unwelcoming. It also doesn’t suggest a battle between men and women. Feminism absolutely begins with a forceful criticism of the binary gender–based hierarchy that allocates male privilege, permits dominance and violence, and promotes misogyny and homophobia. But hooks’s definition is open-ended enough to leave room for us to acknowledge that patriarchy can also hurt men. It strips them of certain rights, challenges their self-esteem, and pressures them to adopt sexist identity narratives. Women are not the only victims of sexism, and men are not the sole perpetrators. Patriarchy is a problem for everyone—whether you’re a subjugate or a beneficiary.”
Shapiro’s book Father Figure: How To Be A Feminist Dad is on my summer reading list. I hope you’ll add at least one book to your list that challenges hurtful gender roles and also offers hopeful ideas for progress and healing. Please let me know what you read (or listen to)!
For more reading, I’ve written about him before, I highly recommend Teacher Tom: Teaching and Learning From Preschoolers. In his recent piece “Thinking Outside The Man Box,” Teacher Tom describes his experience with having long hair. His hair length meant sometimes being mistaken for a girl. And, he says “well before I was a teen, I knew that to be compared, in any way, to a girl, required either an angry response or a comeback insult that was worse — and there were few things worse than being called “a girl” or “a pansy” or “pussy.” As we got older, homophobic slurs were added to the mix. To be a “man” meant, as far as I could tell, doing whatever you could to distance yourself from femininity, which was associated with most emotions other than anger. Fear was too girly. Sadness, too prissy. Even indecisiveness or thoughtfulness or basic kindness could make you a target, for your peers as well as adults. Reflecting on my experiences growing up as a boy, I’m horrified by how much of my waking energy was spent on the project of avoiding the shame of being labelled as not masculine enough. And, to be honest, even today I’m not entirely sure what masculinity means except as a reaction against femininity.“
Now the mom of 2 little boys I constantly think about how I can support them in embracing all human emotion, not just “anger.” This contemplation and goal is HARD. Harder than I could have ever imagined when I first learned my growing baby bump was a boy. Every. single. day. I navigate the narrow gender role assigned to boys, whether I’m purchasing clothes or defending my 5 year old from not wanting to jump off the big rock or join in the soccer game.
Complementing Shaprio’s Feminist Dad, teacher Tom references Sonora Jha’s How to Raise a Feminist Son. Jha writes “In many cultures, we rob boys of the range of human emotions and connection . . . And how are boys often trained in “masculinity?” By distancing themselves from femininity.”
With our boys ability to explore and express their feels, to connect, to be themselves, essentially just to exist in any way outside of their narrow gender role on the line, we must be vigilant in defining the problem and implementing solutions. Please, in addition to your reading lists, share your ideas and commitments. Hoping to hear from you!
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